Choosing A Path – Part 1

May 12, 2021

I’ve done this before and I find myself doing it again; starting over. This time though, I’m doing it all at the same time and I’m doing it with experience, knowledge and wisdom. So what better way to be of service to others and myself than to share my journey while it is fresh in my mind & heart. What I speak about is multi-faceted as I am not only talking about recovery from another round of mental illness, but I’m also returning to the land once again to rebuild after profound disruption in my life over the past few years.

I found myself homeless, hopping from couch to couch 10 times over the past 15 months. This drifting about did not help my efforts to heal from the trauma of profound loss as I mourned my marriage of 25 years, friends, family and a relationship with the land that I spent 13 years working hard to connect and steward peacefully. My struggles with my own mental health deteriorated as this uncertainty and disconnect challenged my resolve and ability to hold space for myself.

I am grateful that I started the school as my work built some core relationships with key people that helped me in ways I never expected. While they are spread across this land, the relationships were exactly what I needed. Specific individuals knew how to support me even when I was down or even a danger to myself. The work that we did in the school built a true tribe and that was something I did not plan to do, or expect to manifest. But it happened and it saved my life. Without these people I would most likely be living on the streets right now.

Instead, I received an invitation to return to the land with the support and encouragement of the tribe. I now find myself on the land in what many commonly call Northern Ontario, where I am starting a new adventure to return to the land as a steward of Mother Earth. I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it again. Except this time I’m doing it with a much different intent. From 2006 to 2020, my intent was to live off grid and be free. Little did I know that I was still trapped by colonial constructs, specifically ideas of ownership and false precepts of tribe.

My experience over the past 15 months gave me permission to let go of all those constructs and to decolonize myself even further. For this lesson and opportunity, I am grateful to Creator for giving me the push that I needed to take this path that I never saw before. I now willingly choose this path and is why I decided to name this blog series ‘Choosing a Path’.

I took a leap of faith and accepted an invitation to travel to Ontario. The past few weeks have been challenging as I mourn and say good bye to the land that I’ve lived upon for over 50 years. Since I landed here on April 29^th, I’ve spent a lot of time healing and looking after myself. I’ve been immersing myself in the bush as much as possible and talking to people so that I can work through the profound feelings of sadness, pain, sorrow and fear. I spent this time fully dedicated to looking after myself.

One of the most profound lessons through this was the realization that people don’t typically forgive me when I make mistakes, or at least I don’t recall people using words to express forgiveness. When I am ill, I struggle with relationships due to an overwhelming desire to flee, hide and isolate myself. I work hard not to do that, but at times when I experience great, overwhelming pain, I find myself miles away from where I sleep. Sadly, people take this personally and that causes great rifts in relationships, hard feelings and even complete breakdown in relationships.

There are times where I wished that my illness resulted in the spilling of blood. It seems that seeing red fluid oozing out of a body spawns great concern and people jump into action to preserve life, but tears are not viewed with such urgency or concern. In my view, tears are spiritual blood and needs to be address with equally as much care and urgency as the red blood from our vessels. Until that happens, mental illness will continue to anguish as a dark and misunderstood condition of life that many avoid at all costs.

In the past few days I came to the realization that if people cannot or will not forgive me, then I must do that myself. This is what I’ve been reflecting on since I got here and I am working hard to do this work. I get flashbacks from events in my life where I made mistakes that cost me relationships because we all failed to navigate the situation in a healthy way. I accept my part in all of that and is why I’m doing this work now. I’ll say the words, but still struggle to implement the feelings and protocol into my spirit.

I forgive myself.

I will continue to repeat those words until I believe them profoundly. I work hard to learn the lessons from the mistakes that I’ve made, now it is time to end the haunting of my mind and heart. I am worthy of being forgiven, even if others don’t see it that way. This is my path to walk and I choose it willingly.

When I visited the land here, I took my time to connect with her, listen to her spirit and introduce myself. I was welcomed and found this land to be very similar to the land I was stewarding in Alberta. I asked for help and was told that I needed to setup a medicine wheel first before I do anything else. So I spent hours building my medicine wheel. I needed this wheel to help me heal and it is this effort that helped me realize that it is time to forgive myself. Ceremony was performed with divine masculine and feminine working together to establish this sacred healing space. I see many people coming to sit around this fire to heal and connect so that they can find their path as well.

I feel home, safe and peaceful in my heart. I still have lots of healing to do, but I am confident in saying that I am no longer in danger. My healing has progressed quickly as I confront myself. Over the coming weeks and months, I will provide further insight into my journey, share pictures of the work that I’m doing and consolidate 20 years of experience into a few short months as I have learned many lessons over the years, made many mistakes and will do my best to share the path that I’ve chosen with those interested in doing something similar.

We live in challenging times and I have no doubt that connecting with Mother Earth and Creator in such an intimate way will provide for our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health, growth and evolution. I have a tribe around me that supports me, understands how to talk with me when I have episodes and that I trust. That is what I got out of starting and running this school for the Pacem Arts. I pray that others can get something similar out of it as well. It is not an easy path and we are all confronted with the shadow work. But for those willing to do that work, the rewards are amazing and astounding. I testify to that first hand as I’ve been blessed with such gifts of spirit through angels that are among me.

I will sign off with this: I forgive all those who have made mistakes in their lives. I will do what I can to hold space for healing as I can relate first hand to what it feels like, the challenges and pitfalls.

I forgive you.

I forgive me!