Since this is the second time around in my efforts to establish a home fire, I thought I would share my thoughts, experiences and feelings along the way. The last time I did this was in 2007 and it was so long ago that I have little memory, just vague reflections. This time around it is different as I’m doing this with the support of a tribe, which I did not have before. I also showed up needing a lot of healing. I am happy to say that over the past month, I dedicated my time to my own healing. I don’t need institutions to do this healing any more. I have the knowledge, skills and experience to heal myself now, I just need the sacred space to get it done. Space that feels safe and allows me to do my work.
It may seem like I’m not productive, but I love myself too much to succumb to colonial pressures to be productive all the time. Within a tribe, the support is there which allowed me to rest, wander, reflect and connect with myself and Mother Earth. I read a book for fun, which is something I’ve not done in years. I do lots of reading, but it is usually research for the work that I do. I gave myself permission this time to have fun and that was amazing.
I started clearing the spot for my home a few weeks ago and I’m excited to start the build. It will be about 200 square feet with stacked log roof and I’ll dig down for the living space. This gives me access to the thermal mass of the earth. It will help keep me cool in the summer and warm in the winter. I’m up high, so I don’t have much worry about the water table. The roof is plenty strong to hold the huge snow loads and I will use cob to finish it and the walls. I’m looking to use plastic water barrels to store water in the floor, but also turn one into a fridge as well. Lean-to will hold my fire wood outside and also help keep the wind off the house.
I also spent time helping the others too. I built a solar food dehydrator for the tribe to use and started working in the garden, helping to prepare for this years crop. I started building my own garden at my home fire. I gathered up the peat moss and leaves from the house and medicine wheel, where I then start piling it up along my path. The strawberries are in and the potatoes will soon go in as well.
I also decided to repair a bunch of things that were broken. I’m not looking for payment but rather felt moved to tinker with simple things that helps me feel that I’m contributing. I’m good at doing that sort of thing, so it is a skill that I can contribute to the tribe. Sitting down to a meal once a day with people is also healing for me as I miss doing that a lot. It provides an opportunity to share with others what I plan on doing for the day and others to do the same. It is times like this where people feel open to share that they need help with tasks and have those needs met right away. Powerful process being around people who like to function in similar ways.
When I got here, I was completely dependent and was invited to not worry about that as I was going through my healing process. I’ve found that the more I heal, the strong I feel. This resulted in efforts to re-establish my independence. Working on my home is one aspect, but I also started preparing my own meals, living in my own space and looking after my own needs. Having the space to do this on my own was amazing and powerful. Few places I’ve been that knows how to hold space for others in this way. For that I am grateful.
My work towards self forgiveness is coming along. I had a recent experience where I was clearing some trees and two of them fell on my medicine wheel. At first I was very upset over this, but I realized this morning that the reason it happened is because I’m in a healing journey of self forgiveness. So I forgive myself and I’ll clean up the mess. I’m not immune to the consequences of what happened, so I’ll do my due diligence and clean the mess. The big part now is the self-forgiveness. That I will work on today as I clean up what happened. No harm was actually done to the medicine wheel, I was being overly critical of myself. So I’ll continue the work to forgive myself.
My connection to Mother Earth continues to grow stronger, especially now as spring has arrived. The spirit of the garter snake and bear have said hello. The black bear was a yearling male and he startled me as I walked around the corner of the yard and he jumped out from behind a buffalo hide strung out on a frame. I spoke to his spirit and asked him to leave, which he did. The dogs got his scent and convinced him even more.
