“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” – Gen 2:24
I’ve found in my life that intimacy exists in a wide variety of forms and can dive down into profoundly deep levels of our being. I’ve been exploring this over the past number of years and asking a lot of questions. Many mysteries remain, but I am confident that they will be revealed in time. What I’m starting to see though, is that exploring intimacy has a profound outcome that I did not comprehend before.
I’m going to use this medicine wheel to attempt to explain what I’m finding during this journey of self exploration and asking penetrating questions with those that are open to exploring this topic. If somebody asked me 10 years ago to define intimacy, my response would most likely have been sex. I grew up in an environment heavily influence with multi-media campaigns that used images of women to sell, sell, sell. The objectification of the female body was used to corrupt and mask what true intimacy was. If I took a look at the medicine wheel, intimacy was defined with a small part of the black / divine feminine part of the wheel.
A few years ago I realized how woefully ignorant I was. The emotional part of the wheel helps remind us that there are different levels of intimacy here too. I’ve also talked about intellectual and spiritual intimacy in the past to round out the four quadrants of the medicine wheel. However, there is more. If we meet somebody new, they approach us from outside of the wheel. There is little to no intimacy as both are strangers. The trick is to see who will take a risk to be vulnerable first and share something intimate to break the ice and draw them closer, into the medicine wheel. Physical intimacy may involve a hand shake or a quick hug. Mental intimacy may be generated through sharing of ideas that both resonate with. Perhaps they have a mutual experience in meditation or prayer circles that allows them to start to explore their relationship. What ever the initial interaction is, it allows for an invitation for each to step into the circle at various points around the perimeter.
The next step, if both are able and willing, is to increase the level of intimacy. We do this through healing circles, work, play, ceremonies and other activities. This type of relationship building requires that both individuals spend time and surrender some vulnerability in order to make that deeper connection with one another. At this point it does not matter if they are male or female as we are still at the platonic stage of the relationship, but exploring vulnerability through all four quadrants of the circle. Hugs may last for 30 seconds to several minutes, holding hands, massage, safe touching, sharing pain, fears and trauma for healing, discussing profound ideas for self improvement and peace, doing sweat lodges, ceremonies, prayers or other activities to reconnect to Creator, Mother Earth, self and each other. When we reach this level of intimacy, we connect as friends, tribe members and perhaps even family.
Notice that we have explored multiple levels of intimacy with multiple and diverse types without even reaching sex yet? Is it possible that many of us are actually intimacy deprived because we don’t acknowledge what intimacy is or how to get those needs met in a safe and loving way? I’ve known for a while that the healing work we do through the Pacem Arts has a specific purpose. When we take a leap of faith to be vulnerable enough to share our pain, trauma and fears, we not only start to heal, but we also built intimacy with the others that are holding space, doing it all at the same time.
But there is a limit to the amount of healing and platonic work that can be done with people in the circle. It is critical that we do this work first as the next phase will be sabotaged by triggers and unhealed shadows. This next phase requires an intimate partner, one who is doing his / her own work, willing to be completely vulnerable and feels safe going to a level of intimacy that few manage to reach. While sex is a part of this level of intimacy, there is much more to it and this is where the passage comes in that I quoted above.
This level of intimacy requires a level of conscious awareness in masculine and feminine energy, how to explore the union of that energy, how that energy flows through our bodies and the ability to be completely vulnerable so that we can surrender to that energy flow. Shadows, trauma, triggers, fear and other barriers will sabotage and prevent this level of connection from being obtained. It requires conscious effort to ensure that there is profound intimacy on all levels: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It may also require a lot of practice to reach this level of surrendered vulnerable intimacy. I suspect that when we reach this level, we become one and are introduced to Creator energy. This is spoken about as one flesh in scripture, which is very different than the lust or infatuation many feel when they get married. How many people go through profound healing work so that they are able and willing to meet their partner at such a profound and vulnerable state within their marriage? How many of us withdraw out of fear, refuse to talk due to pain, ignore triggers to not rock the boat? How many of us has been emasculated, dehumanized, suppressed, bullied or even violated, yet willing to be profoundly vulnerable in our relationships? While scripture speaks of ‘one flesh’ I question how many of us actually attain that level of intimacy in our relationships. To reach this level requires a tremendous amount of healing and integrity so that we can hold the charge that comes when we connect the sacred masculine with the sacred feminine. This powerful union generates tremendous power and will transform the two into something greater than the sum of the parts. It takes great strength and integrity on both sides to hold this charge.
I suspect that this work, when done in a healthy way, will trigger an evolutionary event that will transcend the two individuals involved. No man may break that apart as that transcendence invokes Spiritual Law and draws us into Heaven on Earth.
But what happens when we are in sexual relationships or marriages that has not done this work? The level of intimacy wains and we start to drift farther and farther away from the center of the medicine wheel. The one flesh dies and it is this point where the vows we utters when we get married comes to play. Many people said they are committed until death. I suggest that the death does not necessarily mean the passing of our vessel, but the death of the one flesh, the attempt to create the one body through the union.
Why do people get divorced or break up? The failure is usually due to a failure to maintain the profoundly vulnerable level of intimacy between the two. Pain, hurt feelings or other events bring up walls between the two and they start to drift from the middle of the wheel. It takes great effort to come back to the center in a balanced and centered way to restore the intimacy. But when we do, the one flesh lives and the union remains strong. The love deepens and our connection to Creator, spirit, Mother Earth, each other and self continues to grow and flourish. Life is born where we can truly LIVE and experience this existence together, as one.
But if the one flesh dies and cannot be resurrected due to the inability or unwillingness of one or both individuals, the union between the two ends, the level of intimacy deteriorates to the point where they are again strangers, seeing each other from outside of their respective circles. It is possible to reconcile those relationships, but it requires a monumental amount of time, effort, work and vulnerability to rebuild the trust lost through the breakdown.
There is no shame or guilt in this journey. Social stigma and dogma often associates guilt and shame to those who fail in their intimate relationships or marriages. The wars that manifest afterwards does not help. I’ve witnessed partners drifting apart due to intellectual differences, such as whether to remain a feudal serf or work towards freedom. Over the years I’ve seen many relationship fail as a result of a lack of intellectual intimacy caused by polarized ideas.
I can attest to these ideas as it was indeed pain and a withdraw of intimacy that caused the gap in my past relationships, whether that be with my ex-wife or others. Some of them were violent, so I set boundaries to cut them out of my life. Others were done peacefully and I still talk to them, share some level of intimacy and work to stay connected the best I can. I include my ex-wife in that last group. I still love her dearly, I forgive her, I ask for forgiveness and I miss her deeply. I also acknowledge the barriers that killed our attempt to reach one flesh. I think we did reach it on several occasions but unhealed trauma sabotaged the attempt. We are both healing and I’m confident that if either of us finds a willing and healthy partner, that it can be obtained.
The challenge with all death is that it hurts, a lot. There is a lot of pain associated with the death of the one flesh, marriage or even close intimate friends. The closer we get to the middle of the circle, the more vulnerable we surrender to be, the more pain there is when it dies. A healthy way to deal with that pain is to mourn the loss using healthy protocols and ceremonies. It helps us move through that pain rather than stuffing it and lashing out with war, venom and anger. Forgiveness is a powerful tool and I’ve used it very successfully in the past to help me make those transitions easier. This then helps me take the risks to surrender with complete vulnerability because I know deep down the huge benefits associated with taking that leap of faith. I’m not afraid of the pain any more. I also suspect that if we can successfully navigate this journey to the center of the medicine wheel and successfully birth and nurture a one flesh body to maturity with an intimate partner, there will be no more pain.
This is what I am looking for in my life. This is the work that I’m prepared to do with divine feminine who is able and willing to walk this path with me. The goal is to reach the middle of that medicine wheel, embrace Christ Level of Consciousness, the I AM and join with divine feminine to birth a new being, one flesh, manifested out of hard work, complete vulnerability, trust, faith, love and peace.
Does this resonate with you? Do you agree? Disagree? Perhaps it is worthy of discussion when I re-start the Decolonization Classes in a few weeks. Thoughts to ponder as summer wains and we enter into the fall harvest in preparation for winter.
