I’ve been contemplating a lot about intimacy and the relationship between the masculine and feminine energies. Recently the men gathered together and we created a simple little ceremony to welcome the women during the last new moon ceremony. What I witnessed was beautiful, powerful and amazing. The ladies became animated, beaming and their movements turned fluid. It had a profound impact on the relationship between the men and women.
I’ve been exploring what intimacy actually is, but this experience has taken me on a whole new level of reflection. A few years ago I discovered that there is a big difference between emotional and physical intimacy. For most of my life I associated both as being one and the same. The problem is that when a woman was looking for emotional intimacy, I struggled because I associated that to sex and that caused all kinds of problems for me. I’m grateful that I was able to overcome that glaring oversight as I now realize that there is a profound difference between the two.
What I see now is that there are multiple kinds of intimacy with a wide range of levels. If we visit the medicine wheel, we are reminded of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. When speaking of physical intimacy, most people turn to sex, kisses or hugs. What I want to propose is that this goes far beyond these simple constructs. If we acknowledge that each body has a form of intimacy, then that compels a deeper examination of each and the interaction between them from all those different levels. The first step is to acknowledge that there are, in fact, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy needs that need to be met within each of us. Those types of intimacy are very different from one another, yet interact in amazing ways. Physical intimacy starts from birth and involves being held, touched and coddled. This need is equal or even grater than actual sustenance for the baby and this carries forward to be true for our entire lives. Emotional intimacy is something that develops over time as it require our ability to be vulnerable and share feelings with others. Trauma often makes the development of this level of intimacy difficult, but when healed, it can be profound. Mental intimacy is another that needs to be developed and involves the sharing of ideas, brainstorming and other synergistic exercises that foster cooperation and collaboration, equating to mental intimacy. Spiritual intimacy is when we start to explore our own spirituality and find common ground with others and share that level of intimacy in our ceremonies, prayers and beliefs.
The interaction of these different types of intimacy makes for a complex web to explore in all our relationships. It is this depth and diversity that makes life interesting to explore. It is also a core part of the decolonization process as it changes the very foundations of how we interact with one another.
When exploring my relationships, I acknowledge that the level of intimacy changes how vulnerable I will be and there are specific boundaries associated with each. For example, my interaction with a lover is very different than with a tribe member, friend, acquaintance or a stranger. Each one of these can provide a form of intimacy, but there are limits on each depending on trust and ability to reciprocate intimacy in a healthy way.
I may hug a stranger, but I’m not going to kiss them or have sex. A hug with a stranger is also very different than a hug from a friend or a lover. Intimacy needs require engaging in relationships with other individuals. I currently don’t know of any way to have intimacy needs met in isolation. After all, we are social beings and that requires that our needs be met by others in our circles AND that we meet the needs of others within those circles as well.
Finding a way to balance all of these intimacy needs could go a long way towards healing as well. Healing ourselves so that we don’t engage in violent behaviours must be a journey done within. People can hold space for the healing, but it is far too abusive to do this work while in intimate relationships. However, the healing journey stalls when we do that original shadow work as the next phase requires intimate relationships to finish that process.
It is in this light that I explore the dance between the masculine and feminine. Masculine energy is an energy that flows in and out. Feminine energy flows between being open and close. The interesting dynamic is that Masculine energy is also responsible for holding the container as feminine energy is very fluid. These energies can exist within a single individual, but also be a beautiful dynamic between two people.
When the masculine energy does his work properly, he establishes the safe container for the divine feminine. Much like what we did during the camp last week. The result is automatic within a healthy feminine. She feels safe to then express her feminine energy which then starts to be fluid and flow within the contain. She opens up like a flower to express her full beauty and feminine energy. The masculine energy must honour this process and her sovereignty. If everything is done in a healthy and respectful way, she will invite him ‘in’. With consent, he can then penetrate the feminine energy and make a profoundly intimate connection where the two energies begin to flow through each other and create absolute magic. While there are physical sexual references here, this also involves the other forms of intimacy too on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.
For intimate partners, I suspect that the goal is to find a balance between all four levels of intimacy. If the masculine can create a container for all four and feminine feels safe, then all four levels of intimacy are involved and profound healing can take place for both of them. For tribe members and friends, there may be limits to the level of intimacy, but the goal is similar. Sex and kissing may be off limits, but hugs, sacred circles and ceremonies are still a foundational goal for building trusting and deeply intimate relationships within a tribe.
For a stranger we may feel comfortable hugging them, having intellectual conversations about politics, economics, social issues, etc. For a friend or tribe member, the level of intimacy may involve being vulnerable by sharing feelings, fears and shadows while also covering deeper intellectual topics, performing ceremonies and hugging or dancing.
But for an intimate couple, the goal is to be ‘all in’ on all levels. The couple can engage on all those other levels, but their dance is very different. Instead of hugging for 10 seconds or dancing for a few minutes, their relationship becomes very intimate, to the point of melding the two energies together. They may start out in ceremony as their beliefs are common between the two. They agree on many of the same principles that govern how they live their lives. They have found a way to be vulnerable with one another in regards to how they are feeling and the traumas that they are working on healing. When all three of these intimacy needs have been met, the physical intimacy transforms. Their dance is no longer just a dance, but a way of making love to one another, exploring each other’s bodies through movement and music. As they learn how to move together, caress and kiss, the level of intimacy increases beyond acquaintance, beyond friendship. Making love to one another can take hours and is not just a physical act of sex. It requires profound intimacy on all four levels to start engaging in healing energies that help both! The dance may move from the dance floor to the bed, but it goes beyond anything I’ve ever contemplated or heard discussed by others.
I’ve yearned for a partner to explore this level of healing and interaction. I feel I’m ready to hold the container for divine feminine in this way. I’m sure we will both make mistakes along the way, but that is the beautiful part of this journey. It is in the attempt that also brings intimacy, trust and excitement to the relationship between masculine and feminine. It will help both heal the intimacy traumas of the past, but also the multi-generational traumas that resulted due to colonization and a lack of conscious awareness.
It is time for the masculine to start creating containers for the feminine, so that they can both explore a level of healing that goes beyond what any Sacred Heart Circle can do. This is something that we cannot do by ourselves. We need to reconcile our relationships between the two as this must be done together. Time to put away the hierarchy and join together in profound partnership and intimacy balanced between all four aspects of our being. I am open to discussion on these ideas. What do you think and feel about what I’ve shared here?
