White Walking Feather rob in the pagé family

The Discipline of Peace

Posted on by White Walking Feather

One of the first justifications for me training in the martial arts was to learn how to discipline my mind.  I was struggling with depression and my early recovery at the time and I needed help to quiet my mind and to ground myself so that I could explore this new aspect that I found:  feelings.  My intellect often drowned out my feelings and that caused all kinds of heart ache and pain.  Martial Arts was one way that I found to quiet my mind.  But I also found out that it allowed me to connect with my body in ways I never contemplated before.

By spending 9+ hours a week on nothing but 100% focus on my body, I was able to build a relationship that ripples throughout my life to this very day.  More importantly, it also helped me to listen to my body as it has a lot to say.  My body has feelings and those feelings were important to acknowledge.  This required a tremendous amount of discipline to obtain that level of relationship, especially considering how strong my intellect was at the time.

This is one area where martial artists excel as their training provides a great deal of discipline that can be applied to all areas of life, not just to the training.  This discipline helps when we are in stressful situations as we depend on calm, balanced and focused responses, rather than off the handle reactions that can often escalate situations unnecessarily.  Our job is to deescalate in order to prevent war, not to provoke others or ourselves into war.

In class we would practice that discipline in everything we do.  EVERYTHING.  Even when we are lined up to start or end class, when our master asked us to stand at attention, we were to control ourselves to the point where we did not move a muscle.  Try it some time.  Try standing still, absolutely still for a few minutes.  No wave in our stance.  No fidgeting.  No scratching that itch.  No wandering eyes.  No responding to distractions of any kind.  Without training, most people would not be able to do that.  It took me several years before I could discipline my mind to not chase after squirrels (distractions).  

The Pacem Arts will require an equal or even higher level of discipline.  As we move into a new paradigm, there is going to be a lot of distractions going on around ourselves.  There will be plenty of triggers to entice us into war with others.  If we are going to be effective Pacem Artists, we must work on our discipline and remain focused on what the work that Spirit needs us to do.  

We don’t have the benefits of being in a martial arts class to work on this as we are spread throughout the land.  But we can work on it while we are together in class.  We need each other to hold ourselves accountable.  We can provide feedback for one another as most of our actions and behaviours are often unconscious.  By bringing these into our conscious awareness we can work on it.  This requires time, dedication and a burning desire to be peaceful and free.

As in the martial arts classes, we can duplicate some of those protocols here.  I had absolute respect for my Tae Kwon Do Master.  He had knowledge that I wanted to learn, so I was prepared to surrender and learn it his way.  I bowed to him out of respect. I also bowed to my fellow students as I could not learn without them there too.  I bowed to the gym as we could not train without the facility.  Showing respect to everyone and everything is a custom and sacred medicine of the Yellow Tribes of Asia.  There was no talking back or challenging the Master.  It was his way or the door.  

We don’t have the privilege of time any more.  World events are escalating and it is time we step up our training as we will be required to help others in short order.  We need to work on our discipline to ensure that we can master this new art form.  As in the martial arts, there were rules for training.  If we used Tae Kwon Do outside of the class, we were kicked out.  We were NOT allowed to go to war or hurt other people with the knowledge that we were taught.

In the Pacem Arts, if you use this knowledge to attack or hurt other people, I will kick you out and not invite or allow you back in.  I will take a zero tolerance on this point.  I know that people attending were at war and working hard to remove themselves from the war.  I know that we are decolonizing ourselves and that takes time.  However, I am asking all students to have the discipline to refrain from violence of any type while training with me.  This is going to be hard work, but if you cannot control yourself, then I cannot help you.  

By training with me, we must all dedicate ourselves to being peaceful at all times.  This is an art form of honour, respect and dignity for all, including ourselves.  The Pacem Arts brings with it a tremendous duty, which can feel daunting.  With training, experience, guidance and patience, we can work through it all.  

I’m asking students to work on their self discipline every day.  Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, hands by your sides, head up, shoulders back and eyes straight ahead.  Stand there for 5 minutes and work your way up to 15 minutes.  Focus your thoughts on that one spot in front of you.  Your mind is going to go crazy and your body is going to freak out.  Build that discipline so that you can govern both.  Without that level of discipline, how can we expect to handle ourselves when we are triggered by stressful events around us?

If you need more help, join a martial arts class, preferably one that teaches the art rather than the sport.  There is a huge difference between the two.   

In our Pacem Arts classes, I demand respect, honour, patience, honesty, integrity and an indomitable spirit.  If you cannot honour that code of conduct in class or in life, then you will not be welcome into our sacred space.  

We may disagree with what others are doing or saying, but we still must respect and honour them, their spirit, path and journey.  

White Walking Feather rob in the pagé family

Testify, one of our greatest gifts

Posted on by White Walking Feather

Time is, by far, the greatest gift we can give somebody else, but to share how we feel is a close second.  A dear friend just shared publicly how she felt about me holding space for her healing journey.  It is powerful and I felt moved to share it with those who are not sure whether or not to take that leap and join.  I hope this helps.  I also added a few more that I have received over the past few years.  May their words find space to help you on your own journey.

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“Rob is one of the few people I have ever felt comfortable sharing my  healing journey with. Not just because he has been through it and has  come out the other side with a robust understanding of healing, or even  just because he walks the talk, but also because  he communicates with such respect when he calls me on my shit…which  is a huge part of what I have had to heal from. The truth is, most of  what we experience, we have a role in creating. And I needed to learn to  keep myself out of abusive situations. When I would get back into those  relationships, I was immediately called out with compassion and  supported to ensure I could be free of those patterns and people. 

It’s  rare to meet someone who understands the truly painful process that  healing our relationships is. It’s not all light and good vibes. It’s  dark. It’s painful. And it’s completely worth it to come out the other  side. Though I would add it’s a continual process. 

I  know what a difference it has made in my life to have Rob hold space  for me to talk, sometimes to cry, and sometimes to push me to learn,  work and grow. ” – Natalie Pepin

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“Coming together to hold space where it’s okay to be vulnerable as  men is one of the best medicines. Being able to express our weaknesses  and being completely open to understanding that we are not alone in the fear that we are inadequate. This retreat allowed for this to happen.  Admitting to yourself that it’s okay to cry and okay to be hurt is something more of us as humans need to do. Because if we don’t and we walk around like we are always “strong”, then that eventually manifests into physical medical sickness. Let it out and don’t hold that garbage.  This retreat will allow that process to begin. Challenge yourself to something that no other man is willing to do. Learn to love freely and openly.” – Sweetgrass Sitting Bear (Benjamin Badger – Kehewin First  Nations) [testimony regarding Men’s Retreat] 

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“I was very pleased and excited to hear that White Walking Feather is offering mentoring, for those that are willing to do the work. I am  so grateful for all the work he has done, and continues to do. He has  knowledge and wisdom that he shares openly in his books and blogs. How  generous is that? A couple years ago, I had a visit from Child  Protective Services. It did not go well. I didn’t handle things in a good way. They were pushing me, to have my daughter released into their  system. I called WWF immediately. I was shaken. Scared. Knowing that he would understand my situation. Living off grid. Trying to live  peacefully. WWF helped me draw up a letter, mentored me, helped me to grasp and understand what needed to be done, and why. He spoke to my heart. Please know that YOU must do the work. I have heard nothing back from CPS. They heard me. In my experience, he won’t candy coat things for you. Sometimes you have to get into the trenches, and do the work. I have a great respect for that. I thank you WWF from the bottom of my heart for offering all the tools and knowledge you have shared with us.  With much respect and love” – A Northern Earth Mother 

White Walking Feather rob in the pagé family

The Homage due when Healing Abusive Relationships

Posted on by White Walking Feather

As a reformed emotional and mental abuser, I often wince when I see people express to others that the abuse happened in the past and to get over it.  When working on reconciling relationships, we often focus on the side of the victim, but how often do we discuss the side of the abuser?  

Let’s explore the later and the only way I know how to do that is to share what I went through during my healing journey.  This journey required some key milestones that I had to go through.  Each milestone was like climbing mount Everest, but with hard work, burning determination, support, and an open mind and an open heart, anybody can work through this journey.

Surrender

This first milestone took me 33 years to accomplish.  Mainly because I refused to see or admit that I had a problem.  Most abusers struggle with this first phase and as such fail to go through the healing journey.  For me, it required that I hit rock bottom and be confronted with the sobering choice: Change or Die.  Drugs, alcohol and a whole host of other addictions made it very difficult for me to be honest with myself.  But when I faced that choice, I finally surrendered and chose to change.

That opened me up to really hearing and seeing how my behaviour was hurting other people, how to connect with my feelings and communicate with others in a peaceful and loving way.  My violence was rooted in my own trauma, so I had to work on healing all of that at the same time.  Tough, painful work.  But I got through it and continue to fine tune it even to this day.  I speak about this project frequently within my book, sacred circles and even in public as this is a big hurdle that prevents much of our healing in today’s world.  Lots of people walking around with hidden or unacknowledged trauma.

Duty to hold space

During our reconciliation process, part of the healing journey is for the abuser to make amends with his / her victims.  This can only really happen when both sides have done considerable healing work, otherwise there is a risk of sliding back into the abusive relationship.  However, when done properly with honour and spiritual guidance, this can be a profoundly healing journey for both sides.

The challenge for the abuser is that he / she must hold space for the other to be able to share without fear of retaliation, justification or some sort of response of self defense, etc.  This is best done within ceremony, facilitated by individuals who have experience with this type of work, but could be done one on one with a great deal of respect, honour and integrity.  What this means is that the reformed abuser must hold the space and allow the abused to share their feelings, in silence and then acknowledge the violence to validate the feelings of the other individual.  When I went through this phase, I felt shame, guilt and some of my old defense mechanisms came up where I wanted to justify or defend the behaviour.  It took a lot of work to resist these automatic responses in favor of a more healthy approach.

It is extremely difficult to hear what the other is saying and admit to myself that what I did hurt them, scared them or harmed them in some way.  Sitting there and nodding my head yes and acknowledging what I did is painful as I worked hard to empathize with the other individual and admit that I hurt somebody deeply.  Here is the kicker, I don’t get to define their pain or suffering.  That is theirs to share and for me to hear and acknowledge.  Politicians and many chronic abusers struggle with this point the most.

Now I’m confronted with my own shame and guilt as I acknowledge the consequences of my own actions and behaviours.  This actually helps me to connect the consequences of my own actions to the behaviours that I’m working on changing and healing.  Now I must do more healing as I have the energy of that shame and guilt to work through.  If I don’t do this work, then that energy get stuck and my healing stops.  It is this next phase that helps solidify the lessons and puts in place the healing, protocols and boundaries that helps ensure the abuse ends.

Healing and Integration

This can be done within the same healing circle or it could be done afterwards.  Shame and guilt are tough feelings to process and I’ve found that working through them required the establishment of boundaries and protocols to not only protect myself, but most importantly, to protect others.  These boundaries are self limiting protocols to help ensure that I trigger myself should I ever engage in behaviours that have caused harm to others in the past.  That helps me to move forward.  However, I still have to resolve the past and the only way I’ve found to do that is to forgive myself.

This can me most challenging as these memories can haunt somebody for a life time.  Even if others have not forgiven me, it is important that I do.  The struggle is that I don’t lie to myself and use justification as a means to trick myself into thinking that I forgave myself.  There is no justification to doing harm to another sacred being.  True forgiveness must come from a genuine acknowledgement of the harm, establishment of protocols to ensure it does not happen again and a burning desire to hold one accountable to those protocols.  When we do that, we can then let go of the guilt and shame so that we can move forward with the confidence that we have done everything we can to love ourselves and others.  Letting go of that burden is our reward for doing the work to heal and establish healthy boundaries.

Vigilance and Persistence

This level of change is rare, extremely difficult, but indeed possible.  I’ve heard from many people how it is impossible for violent abusers to change.  I refuse to believe that and I pray that my work is proof that it is possible.  However, this was of my own doing.  Nobody did this for me.  Nobody can change me, except myself.  So all of you out there wanting to help heal people and change them, I question your motives.  

What we can do though is hold space for people who have surrendered and are able AND willing to do this work.  We can confront people and hold them accountable to their violent behaviour, whether it is a spouse, friend or somebody working for the state.  Violence is violence and it comes in many forms, most of it legalized and justified, despite it violating spiritual law and the highest of moral and ethical standards.

When we get through this work, it becomes a life long journey of vigilance and persistence to ensure that any future trauma does not result in old behaviours resurfacing.  It requires that the reformed abuser be forever vigilant and engage in constant checking in with self to make sure we are taking a healthy approach to our relationships.  That is why boundaries are so critical as it is our tool for evaluating ourselves.  Our boundaries are the framework and bedrock of our moral and ethical standards that we must hold ourselves to if we are going to hold the space and charge of a healthy relationship.  

Others may justify having more fluid and dynamic boundaries, but for the reformed abuser, the risk is too great as it is far too dangerous for us to slip back into those old behaviours. When we do, we must be consciously aware of these events and have the faith and persistence to recognize when we slip up, engage the proper protocols to remedy the situation and restore ourselves into good standing with our self and others.  

Rebuilding the Trust

The biggest mistake people make is that ONLY when we have gone through this whole process, made a few mistakes and quickly remedied the situation do the reformed abuser have an opportunity to rebuild the trust that was destroyed as a result of the original abusive relationship.

Trust is gained by walking the path and demonstrating good faith, skill, ability and healthy boundaries over a period of years!  Most unreformed abusers can fake it for weeks or even months, but this cannot be faked over years.  Our true colors come shining out after longer periods of time and for people who trust easily, this can often lead to the illusion that the abuser is reformed when in fact the work has not been done at all.  But when the reformed abuser can demonstrate over long periods of time that they can hold the charge of what a healthy relationship is all about, then true trust can be reestablished and true reconciliation can take place.

For me, this required months and months of talking every day, hours each day, just to work through the past and heal the trauma.  It also required over two years of walking the path to prove that I have indeed changed.  I will share more about this in my next book, but I felt moved to express this for those who are currently struggling with these types of issues.  

It does not matter if this is between a husband and wife, between an individual and the state or an individual and a corporation.  War is war.  Violence is violence.  It does not matter if it is legal or not.  When we finally admit to ourselves that the very institutions we have created are done out of violence and not peace, then we are only fooling ourselves and preventing profound healing from taking place.

But when we can finally admit that our actions and behaviours are abusive and hold the space to hear from others on the other end of it all, then we can truly start the healing journey.  

Apologies mean very little along this journey.  An apology is far too easy as it does not require any work or change in behaviour.  A true apology will only be believed and trusted when the abuser goes through this journey.  

Actions speak louder than words.  It is time to confront the abusers and for anybody willing to do this work, I am more than willing to hold space to help.  However, the journey is not easy and I will not tolerate abusive behaviour, denial or any excuses.  

This school is for peace and that is how we can accomplish peace.  When we find the integrity to honour our victims and can publicly hold space for their own expression and healing, then we have paid homage to them and found our way towards reconciliation, healing and integrity.

Homage:  Special honour and respect shown publicly.

#PacemArts